“Here’s to you, Babe”

At exactly 6:55 pm tonight, I filled a crystal glass with ice, poured in the single malt scotch that George gave me last Friday, and walked down to the pond, and toasted my wife, my best friend, Angelique. It was her favorite spot in this mortal world. The water level is, of course, down. Cracks in the earth are huge. We beseeched her to send down some rain, but what with the trouble she had peeing for the last month, she probably could not conjure up any rain either.

She passed from this earth exactly one week ago. I thought it was befitting to give her such a tribute tonight. As I was raising my crystal glass to the heavens, a big ol’ bass hit something on the surface of the lake and made that “bloomp” sound that she so loved to hear. It was so sad, yet so sublime.

It is hard to fathom that it has been a week. There has been so much to do. It’s unreal how much activity there is when a loved one dies. Many have been here for me, but the bulk of the details has fallen on me. I still feel exhausted. The first few nights I couldn’t sleep, then I’ve tried to catch up the last couple of nights. I’ve slept better, but with sleep, comes dreams. Dreams of her. Dreams that she’s still here. I don’t want to stop seeing her walk and talk, but at the same time, I need the closure that comes from her disappearing from my dreams. Holy shit! I wish Bailey already had that psychology degree…or was it a drama degree? Crap, at this point, what’s the difference?

Our Relay for Life will fall on 9/19, exactly one month after Angelique’s passing. Here’s hoping we remember the kleenex.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…

Finding a “New Normal”

After all the company is gone, and the house is quiet, that’s when I am confronted with my silent, private thoughts. The missing Angelique is setting in. The mundane suddenly is poignant. I had to put on a load of wash while ago which contained that last of the clothes she wore. Her cell phone rang yesterday. It was her beloved Democratic Party. I had to tell the guy that she passed away. Wow. The cat is wandering the house meowing, looking for her. There is nothing on TV that doesn’t remind me of her.

In 18 years, we rarely went more than a couple of days or nights without being together. In that time, we never went a whole day without talking with each other.

The girls are seeming to start to move around again. Danielle’s good friend just had a baby. I don’t know if the symbolism of that event is something that she grasps or not. The “circle of life” thing. She’s been trying to help their family with the rigors of such a joyous occasion, while mourning mom at the same time.

Bailey, instead of attending classes today, worked out the kinks in her school schedule. She called me this afternoon ecstatic about being on-track to graduate as a junior in May. As an added bonus, she’s going to be able to pursue her first love, basketball, without being in athletics class. Just the sound of her excited voice assured me that she might have gotten the well-needed dose of “life goes on”.

That’s what Angelique wants—for us to carry on. And carry on we will, dammit.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

Services are Set

Funeral services for Angelique will be held at 10:00 am, Saturday, August 22 at Queen of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church in Hostyn, TX. A rosary will be prayed prior to mass, approximately 9:15 am.

From Schulenburg take US 77 north 10 miles. Turn left on FM 2436. The Church is atop the hill on the right.

From La Grange take US 77 south five miles. Turn right on FM 2436. The Church is atop the hill on the right.

In lieu of flowers, Angelique asked that donations be made to Hospice Brazos Valley, 1048 N. Jefferson, La Grange, TX 78945.

Angelique M. Cernosek, 1961-2009

8/14/1961 –8/19/2009

Angelique lost her courageous, three-year battle with cervical cancer today. May she rest in peace…

Thanks for caring.

We’ll Take Simple Pleasures

Actually kind of hum drum since the last post at 2:30 am or so on Sunday morning. Angelique had been semi-responsive, mostly in the living room recliner. Brother James & Kim spent last night here to help me out. Thanks to them for that. Angelique awoke about 4 a.m.  and, thinking she could walk, which she cannot, tumbled into the furniture before I could get up to help her.

We put her into her recliner this morning and she spent virtually the entire day there. We watched “Gone With the Wind” for most of the day; it’s 3 1/2 hours long. Then I put in “Diner”. It’s considerably shorter, but she pretty much slept through both movies. I wasn’t about to let her out of my sight, though.

Then about eight o’clock, I remembered that Frank & Angie, our oldest and best friends were headed to La Grange. I called them and asked them to come over, even though she was asleep on the recliner. Frank, Angie, and the girls and I visited in the kitchen until about 10, when Angelique began to show signs of life. We wheeled her out to the porch and gave her a little wine and she “held court” for almost an hour before she became winded and we wheeled her back in and back to a horizontal position.

After being catatonic almost all day, she did really well with Frank & Angie Brauner. I think she sensed real friends and responded accordingly.

She and Bailey are snuggling now. I’m worried about both girls. Bailey has told me that when the time comes, she doesn’t want to be here. Our shrink says that they are both ok. Until I have evidence to dispute, I’ll go with that too.

Frank & Angie will be here tomorrow too. We may cook, or Frank & I may “escape”, depending on what’s going on.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

We’d Celebrate, but…

Yesterday, on her birthday, after she awoke from her afternoon nap, Angelique seemed very fatigued. She seemed that way until her afternoon nap today too. I believe we can have too many caregivers at one time, too much stimulus.

She awoke from her evening “nap”, whatever that is these days, about midnight. She’s kind of aware of what’s going on around her, she just doesn’t have the capacity to interact. I wheeled her out to the porch and let her have a small glass of wine, which she really seemed to enjoy. So far, that was just enough “normal” to put her at ease enough to make her go to sleep.

It’s been routine for her to conk out on the recliner lately. Problem with that is, there’s no good place to go to sleep with her where I can immediately  help her get to the potty, or wherever it is she’s headed when she may get up from that particular chair.

Flashback—this morning at about five a.m. she was on the potty. I tossed her panties aside and said, “I guess we’ll have to get Kim to put on a load of wash tomorrow so you’ll have enough panties.”

She wrapped her frail arms around me, gave me the sweetest kiss and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Chris”.

She then took a couple of steps back toward our bed and said, “don’t worry, I’m almost finished”.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

Well the big day finally arrived. After another late night last night, we slept in till about 10 this morning. By that time, a cake, two floral arrangements, one gift basket, and one Catholic Deacon had either been delivered, or had messages left to be delivered. It was crazy around here for the first hour today.

Ed & Monica were headed this way from Huntsville and they and James & Kim arrived just after Angelique awoke and just before all this activity started. Once Deacon John got here (with a birthday card in-hand), and gave all of us Holy Communion, our little birthday party was underway. She seemed to know that today was her birthday and seemed to enjoy being showered with all that attention. She had ice cream, opened presents and laughed a lot. After being up almost two hours, she wanted a bath; we opted for a shower after a bathtub mishap the other day. Then she ate a little “Queen Ranch Chicken”, compliments of my mom, and began to get tired.

We confronted the damned terminal restlessness again. I can tell when she’s tired, but her body just will not let her relax and get  some rest. Finally, by about 1:30 pm, she was asleep.

She slept till about 5:30. While she was in the process of awakening, our good friend, the beautiful, charming, witty, thrifty, wise, trustworthy, kind, and thoughtful Brenda Fietsam from down the road (she’s reading this) was here. She got to visit with Brenda for a pretty good while, till she got tired again and then we endeavored to get her restless body to lie down again. By that time, Kim & Becky were here to help. She finally gave in and fell asleep in the easy chair about 8:00.

Angie and Stacy Winchell, November ‘08

“She’s resting now”. Cha-ching! There’s another nickel for me. (Inside joke—check last night’s post).

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

Thanks for Caring!

This blog, which has obviously morphed into a constant vehicle for updating Angelique’s condition has exceeded 5000 hits as of tonight! I’m excited. As I’ve told her before, “Honey, you have a lot of fans out there!”

Please keep clicking in here for her updates. Numbers and readership only mean there are a lot of you out there who care about her.

Those church ladies with their “30-member prayer chains” may feel intimidated…oh well :)

Wishin’ & Hopin’ & Thinkin’ & Prayin’

As expected, Angelique awoke tonight. Just about 10 pm. We gave her some ice cream and saw to it that she walked around some. Gotta get that exercise, right?

We took her outside to see if we could see some meteorites from that shower that’s supposed to be going on nowadays. No dice. The place where we went outside is the farthest spot from her bed, so when she began to complain and shuffle her feet like she was tired, I pulled her wheelchair out of the car and wheeled her into the house and right up to the bed.

We actually convinced her to move back to Danielle’s room tonight. We spent last night in our master bedroom, but the bed is much higher and I am afraid she’ll topple to the floor while trying to get in and out of it. Her short-term memory is failing and I believe she’s forgotten that we set her up in Dani’s room in the first place.

As I’ve talked about before, she’s experiencing  this thing called “terminal restlessness”. It’s her body’s way of trying to fight the sickness. It causes her to try to do anything and everything to avoid lying down an resting. Since her “turn-for-the-worse” last week, this has been difficult to understand and to deal with. It wouldn’t be quite such as hurdle if we had an around-the-clock staff to deal with it, but we don’t. They have meds that are designed just for restlessness, so now she’s on a couple of them. This has been the reason for the 4 am mornings, and the last couple of 3 am nights.

If I had a nickel for every time I typed “she’s resting now”, I’d have a bunch of nickels. One forty-five am and all’s well. Like the song says, “wishin’ & hopin’ & thinkin’ & prayin”.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday, Baby

I’m sitting here at 8:00 Thursday night trying to think of something brilliant to say.

Oh, well, I guess it ain’t gonna happen tonight.

Where we left off last night was that Angelique did stir after I posted my last entry here. The details were boring, but after having to call the nurses a couple of times for help, I got her to retire for the evening at about 2:30 this morning. She then slept until about 2:30 this afternoon. I had some business in town that caused me to have to leave her in Becky & Danielle’s care till I got back around 5. They said she seemed a little more “with it” than she did yesterday, but by the time I got home, she had gotten fatigued. We helped her to the bathroom a couple of times, got her the meds to help her relax and tucked her back in.

She’s sleeping now. I can hear the steady sound of her breathing in the monitor. I hope she is peaceful tonight. Hospice dropped off another concoction to use if her restlessness plagues her again. This one’s a gel that I will rub into her skin—strange.

Tomorrow is her 48th birthday. I hope she has a good day. It’s funny how we say to one another, usually upon parting, “have a good day”, without really thinking about it. Usually, it’s just an expression. We are at a point when we can really tell it’s a “good day”. I expect more company than usual tomorrow. If you plan on coming by, I hope you find her awake. Just try to keep it to a dull roar!

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

When Memories Outnumber Dreams

If you’ve ever had a spouse or anybody else who sleepwalks, then you’ve got a pretty good idea of what we’re going through, except that Angelique is not going to awaken from her sleep. She now needs help with all tasks that require motor skills. The clinical restlessness has gotten bad again the evening. We (Danielle & I) tried to get her to watch a movie. She asked for something “Christmassy” and requested I put a pair of Christmas socks on her feet. She sat still for the movie in 5-minute spurts. She was constantly up to make imaginary trips to the store, or rifle her drawers looking for some non-specific item.

Even though she’s sleeping now, I’ve talked to the hospice nurses so that I have a plan in place if she awakens and wants to do something weird, or dangerous to herself. She has taken to gravitating toward fire, knives, glass; almost anything that scares the shit out of me. But if you know Angelique, that’s soooo her!

I was talking to our old friend, Tracy Head today. We laughed together about the time a couple of year ago when we were in Austin for a Texas football game. We had a tailgate party in the garage adjacent to Scholz Beer Garden. Needless to say, Angelique was ready to party like a jackass, and party like a jackass she did.

There was a downspout on the side of Scholz’s wall. We were on the ground floor and there were some other revelers on the second floor of the same garage, right above us. She got it in her head to climb the downspout up to the second floor just to see what they had going on up there. Like Spiderwoman, she latched onto the downspout, and with cowboy boots on, shimmied up the damn thing. Oh, I was pissed. I could just picture us in the emergency room trying to explain why she did such a damn fool thing. Tracy and I decided that anyone sober would have never made it up there. Probably true; anyway that’s our story and we’re sticking to it.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

Squat We Know?

A few things we know for sure. Today is Tuesday, August 11, 2009; there will never be another one. This morning, the sun rose in the east. It was friggin’ hot all day. There’s a great meteor shower tonight in the northeastern sky.

Beyond that, we don’t know squat.

Today was apparently “movie day” at the asylum. After our usual 4 am start to the day, the 8 am feature was an oldie, but a goodie, “Giant”, starring Rock Hudson, Elizabeth Taylor and James Dean (his final film). Angelique fell back to sleep just after the opening credits, so, learning to rest when she rests, I pulled the covers back over my head and went back to sleep too.

When we awoke somewhere after 10, brother James & wife Kim were here to lend a hand for the day. We got Angie up and bathed and somebody mentioned a movie. She started talking about “Mystic Pizza”, a cute, 20-year-old romance that gave Julia Roberts her start. She has a supporting role, but stole every scene she’s in. Adding to the excitement factor, we visited Mystic, Connecticut last fall, where the film is set. She feasted on Lean Cuisine Pizza and never knew the difference as she watched one of her favorite flicks. Before it was over, she was ready to lie back down…

Meanwhile, seven hours later, she arose from her marathon “nap”. She enjoyed going through her gift basket from Rhonda Hill (old friend) and the church ladies at The Remnant. There were bath items, teas, a mug, and a very special blanket that was prayed over before being placed in the basket. (Ladies, you might want to look into baskets with working handles sometimes.) She is looking forward to enjoying the cookies supplied by Arlene Johnsey (friend from work), if I don’t get ‘em first.

The girls and I helped her get her night bath and tucked her in at about 9:30, hopefully for the night. I don’t know; meteors, almost full moon, holy blankets—all sounds kinda creepy, but we’ll see. Like I said, we really don’t know squat.

In the final (I hope) analysis, this was a pretty good day. She still wants to wear what she wants, go where she wants, and do what she wants, no matter how off-the-wall, but today she seemed to be easier to handle. No real fits of aggravation when we tried to convince her that we weren’t going duck hunting like she wanted to. C’mon, we can only play along so far…but we really don’t know squat, do we?

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

A Different Kind of Queen

Ahh, the obligatory blog post…just kidding, gentle readers. It’s just that it’s been a tough couple of days. I’d like to wait till there’s better news—some breakthrough treatment, some miracle drug—well, it ain’t happened yet and the clock’s ticking.

Our day started about 4 am. I again awoke without Angelique in the bed. I found her on the back porch, a favorite hangout of hers. I played the question game with her.

“What’s our address?” I asked. She looked bewildered for a few moments.

“925 Hausmann Gin Road”, she answered.

“Who’s the President?” was the next question. This time she slurred her words, but answered more quickly.

“Barack Obama”, she said.

“What are your children’s names?”

“Danielle and Bailey”, she told me.

“What about the other one?”, I baited her.

“There’s another one?”, she wrinkled her nose and inquired.

“No, baby, you did just great. Let’s go back to bed.”

She slept till about 8 and then Nurse Kelly from Hospice paid us a visit. Nurse Kelly played the question game too, asking her what day is was (Angelique thought it was Thursday), then asking what month it is (I gave her a hint, that her birthday is this Friday) she stated that her birthdate is “August 14, 1961”. So there, f*%k you people who think I’m losin’  it; is what I imagined she was thinking.

We gave her the next dose of her “mind-clearing” drug and she slept till about 5 or so. At the suggestion of Nurse Kelly, I offered to take Angelique out for ice cream. She wanted to go very much. About that time, Fred showed up, so we all toddled down to Dairy Queen, wheelchair and all. She enjoyed a strawberry shortcake blizzard (about 1/2 of one, actually), and we headed back home. It was nice to be out. I believe she enjoyed it. We got her home and got her changed, after which she asked for a margarita. I gave her one that she didn’t even take a sip of before she drifted off to sleep in the easy chair.

Even in her current state, I think she enjoyed getting out, having “a drink” and seeming to be “normal” for a short time. The girls, particularly Danielle, are beginning to acknowledge her deteriorating condition and may be moving closer to accepting it. I have no choice. I have been her caregiver all along. All I hope and pray for is her peace and comfort. This morning as the nurse was quizzing her, one question was about her pain level. Her response was that she really didn’t have any pain. That made my day, my week, my month. Please pray with me that it’s true and that it continues.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

So Much for Quiet :(

This is a brief update, due to the lateness of the hour and the extent of my fatigue:

Last week Angelique began having what is known as restlessness (apparently that’s the clinical term for it, even though it sounds like the social term for it). It’s normal and expected in end-stage cancer patients. That didn’t make it any less scary for this caregiver. It’s the twitchiness and the mind-fog I have mentioned before. It’s also manifested by the patient’s insistence that they have somewhere to be, or something to go out and do.

Last night, or really about 4 am today, it really took hold. We could not get her to lie down. After a couple of harrowing experiences, we finally got her to sleep at about 11 this morning.

I called hospice and the nurse came out at about 2 and got her on another new drug just for restlessness. It knocked her out—way out. I just re-dosed her at about 11:15 pm. I also hooked her up to oxygen, which is supposed to be good for restlessness too.

More tomorrow; I’m beat.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

Still a Quiet Saturday

Danielle and Carmen made it in from Wyoming about 5 pm today. Angelique awoke and stayed up to visit for about an hour, then fell asleep in the chair. Kellye met up with them here and she, Carmen, and I had a couple of drinks, then they all went up to mom & dads. I sent along a bunch of Bobby’s satanic ribs and a bunch of smoked brisket that Fred bought this morning.

I put Angelique to bed about 8 and she’s sleeping soundly.

Nice and boring,  just like I like it. Danielle is back from her grandparents, doing some laundry. There’s a party going on at the Post Oak Inn, the August 2009 birthday bash. I can hear the music as I go out and move the sprinkler. It was this night 18 years ago that Angelique and I first got very well acquainted and had a really good time (her birthday is 8/14, next Friday).

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

A Quiet Saturday

It looks like this day will be another sleep-all-day for Angelique. She’s only gotten up a couple of times, once to use the bathroom a little bit.

Once again, until she flushes that excess ammonia from her system, she’ll continue to be disoriented.

Carmen flew to Wyoming and she and Danielle are driving back. I have been following their progress on Facebook. They should be here in a few minutes. I’ll wake Angelique when they get here and try to get her to eat some soup. She did not eat anything yesterday.

That’s all for now. I’ll post another update as events warrant.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

…and They All Prayed for Poo

As active as Angelique was yesterday, she is sleeping today. She did ok overnight; woke up once about 3:00. Then I got her up at 7 for her morning meds, and then again here at 3:00 pm for her afternoon dose. She’s been pretty much asleep other than that.Happy memories of being “foodies” in New England, October ‘08

Still very little result from the laxative, so she’s still incoherent. To me, that is sad, and a little scary. We have to wait until there’s some action from the laxative. Hopefully that will clear her mind. If she starts going to the bathroom again and her incoherence continues beyond that, then we’ve lost the Angelique we knew and loved. They say maybe by tomorrow we’ll get her going to the bathroom.

They’ve decided to take a “wait and see” approach with regard to her catheter. She is still able to pee, so they don’t want to rough her up any more than is absolutely necessary.

That is about all for now. Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

Premature Evaluation?

Typically, I would say 7:30 pm is too early to post here. Usually our situation changes two or three times before bedtime, but Angelique is kind of in a half-sleep and Fred ran out to the store, so I have a little p & q.

Last night was ok. She slept pretty well; no scary episodes to deal with=a good thing.

However, today was a little strange. She hardly slept at all. Seemed restless, still incoherent, still no action from the laxative from yesterday…and then there’s a lag time until the methadone they have her on again will kick in. They say three or four days, during which we can expect pain that we’re trying to deal with using all the other arrows in the quiver.

As I said at the top of this post, it’s still too early to make a judgment about the night.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

It’s Always Something

As Angelique’s caregiver, I am told I need an outlet. So far, this is it. No matter how tired I am, I try to post an entry here. Forgive my fatigue…here goes.

When last we met we were cruising in “wait and see”mode. Fred, Russell and Timmy made their scheduled visit yesterday. James & Kim joined the congregation, as expected.

Something seemed strange about Angelique Wednesday. She slept restlessly, with pronounced hand and leg movements and lots of talking. We attributed it to the increase in visitor traffic. Also, our research about patients in her position revealed behavior similar to what we were seeing in her.

She seemed at times, lucid, and then at other times, confused.

Sometime during the wee hours this morning, she awoke and, using scissors, severed all her wires and hoses. She cut her IV line, her catheter line, and the belt holding the catheter in place.

To my horror, I awoke to her walking down the hallway, fully dressed, saying, “I’m outta here, there not doing this to me”.

I immediately confirmed that she had not cut herself, then put her back into bed and gave her two adivan, “chill pills”, to calm her down. I then called the hospice answering service, which connected me to the the nurse on duty, who was in Columbus at the time.

She traveled to our home and sat with me while the doctor could be contacted and summoned. He came over in the later morning, the first time I’ve ever seen a “doctor visit”,  and told us what her problem was. Turns out her liver has decided to stop processing ammonia. I didn’t even know we had ammonia in our systems. The excess ammonia causes the twitchiness she exhibited on Wednesday, as well as the disorientation that caused her episode this morning.

The cure for it is a laxative which binds itself to the ammonia, and rids the system of the ammonia. It seems to be working. She is sleeping quietly and without the agitated motions that she exhibited yesterday and last night.

Meanwhile, the other question of interest was whether she removed her catheter, or simply snipped off the hose. To determine this, the doctors scheduled an ultrasound earlier today. The superbly excellent, and ultra-professional (she’s reading this) ultrasound technician determined that the catheter is still in her bladder, making it necessary to have it removed (probably surgically) and having another one put in.

This was a difficult post. I am fatigued. I may have repeated myself, or left out pertinent details. I’ll read it again tomorrow, and may make revisions.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

Back to “Wait and See”

After yesterday morning’s post, the nurse came and bumped up the dose again. Angelique slept most of the day and evening. Last night went pretty well, but she’s beginning to be sore in certain areas from lying in the same position all the time. After she got up a couple of times, she moved the the sofa about 5 am.

She again slept most of the day today. She awoke about 4 pm with some noticeable discomfort. It was just short of “pain”, but nagging enough to cause her to cozy up to her pain button.

I placed a call to hospice about 8 o’clock and they gave me some suggestions over the phone. She’s resting pretty peacefully now, at 9:45, so we’ll just have to “wait and see” until probably 2:00 or 3:00 to determine whether or not anything further needs to be changed.

I see a nap in my future! I’ll have to find a “snooze crib” though, cause brothers Fred and Russell are due to arrive tomorrow for a visit and a free house-cleaning. I’ll be damned if I’ll get in the way of  that kind of service!

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.

The Only Thing Constant is Change

I didn’t post the last two days. Friday’s reason was fatigue. Thursday evening was humdrum. My Thursday post was almost boring. About two hours after I submitted it is when the feces hit the fan. That’s all I have to say about that. If you’d like a personal update, email me.

Yesterday was better. Angelique’s pain has leveled at about a five, on the 0-10 pain scale. I can’t remember her being below five. We got a visit from brother Fred and wife, Becky. Then in the evening, sister Carmen stopped by. We shared a few laughs, a few scotches and some beef stew. It was a long-overdue visit from her.

I almost sat down and wrote a post, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to say it was all good, just to have to reverse course when we hit another wall.

Well, that was then; this is now. It’s 8:15 Sunday morning. Angelique awoke earlier with really bad pain. Of course, she waited a couple of hours before waking me. I just heard back from our trusty hospice nurse. She’s coming out to bump up the dose. When she last bumped it up on Friday, I sort of expected us to have to call on her today. It seems to be only a couple of days of success in this battle with the pain. I know Angelique is weary, and tired, and sleepy, and fatigued, and sick of this endless cycle. This bottomless pit. This passion play.

Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.