Thank you for over 10,000 hits on this blog!
That is a true testament to Angelique’s popularity. I was able to tell her when it hit 5,000 that she had a lot of fans. I know she’s keeping track now. Thanks for your support.
Thanks for caring. Be Well.
At exactly 6:55 pm tonight, I filled a crystal glass with ice, poured in the single malt scotch that George gave me last Friday, and walked down to the pond, and toasted my wife, my best friend, Angelique. It was her favorite spot in this mortal world. The water level is, of course, down. Cracks in the earth are huge. We beseeched her to send down some rain, but what with the trouble she had peeing for the last month, she probably could not conjure up any rain either.
She passed from this earth exactly one week ago. I thought it was befitting to give her such a tribute tonight. As I was raising my crystal glass to the heavens, a big ol’ bass hit something on the surface of the lake and made that “bloomp” sound that she so loved to hear. It was so sad, yet so sublime.
It is hard to fathom that it has been a week. There has been so much to do. It’s unreal how much activity there is when a loved one dies. Many have been here for me, but the bulk of the details has fallen on me. I still feel exhausted. The first few nights I couldn’t sleep, then I’ve tried to catch up the last couple of nights. I’ve slept better, but with sleep, comes dreams. Dreams of her. Dreams that she’s still here. I don’t want to stop seeing her walk and talk, but at the same time, I need the closure that comes from her disappearing from my dreams. Holy shit! I wish Bailey already had that psychology degree…or was it a drama degree? Crap, at this point, what’s the difference?
Our Relay for Life will fall on 9/19, exactly one month after Angelique’s passing. Here’s hoping we remember the kleenex.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
After all the company is gone, and the house is quiet, that’s when I am confronted with my silent, private thoughts. The missing Angelique is setting in. The mundane suddenly is poignant. I had to put on a load of wash while ago which contained that last of the clothes she wore. Her cell phone rang yesterday. It was her beloved Democratic Party. I had to tell the guy that she passed away. Wow. The cat is wandering the house meowing, looking for her. There is nothing on TV that doesn’t remind me of her.
In 18 years, we rarely went more than a couple of days or nights without being together. In that time, we never went a whole day without talking with each other.
The girls are seeming to start to move around again. Danielle’s good friend just had a baby. I don’t know if the symbolism of that event is something that she grasps or not. The “circle of life” thing. She’s been trying to help their family with the rigors of such a joyous occasion, while mourning mom at the same time.
Bailey, instead of attending classes today, worked out the kinks in her school schedule. She called me this afternoon ecstatic about being on-track to graduate as a junior in May. As an added bonus, she’s going to be able to pursue her first love, basketball, without being in athletics class. Just the sound of her excited voice assured me that she might have gotten the well-needed dose of “life goes on”.
That’s what Angelique wants—for us to carry on. And carry on we will, dammit.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
Funeral services for Angelique will be held at 10:00 am, Saturday, August 22 at Queen of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church in Hostyn, TX. A rosary will be prayed prior to mass, approximately 9:15 am.
From Schulenburg take US 77 north 10 miles. Turn left on FM 2436. The Church is atop the hill on the right.
From La Grange take US 77 south five miles. Turn right on FM 2436. The Church is atop the hill on the right.
In lieu of flowers, Angelique asked that donations be made to Hospice Brazos Valley, 1048 N. Jefferson, La Grange, TX 78945.
8/14/1961 –8/19/2009
Angelique lost her courageous, three-year battle with cervical cancer today. May she rest in peace…
Thanks for caring.
Actually kind of hum drum since the last post at 2:30 am or so on Sunday morning. Angelique had been semi-responsive, mostly in the living room recliner. Brother James & Kim spent last night here to help me out. Thanks to them for that. Angelique awoke about 4 a.m. and, thinking she could walk, which she cannot, tumbled into the furniture before I could get up to help her.
We put her into her recliner this morning and she spent virtually the entire day there. We watched “Gone With the Wind” for most of the day; it’s 3 1/2 hours long. Then I put in “Diner”. It’s considerably shorter, but she pretty much slept through both movies. I wasn’t about to let her out of my sight, though.
Then about eight o’clock, I remembered that Frank & Angie, our oldest and best friends were headed to La Grange. I called them and asked them to come over, even though she was asleep on the recliner. Frank, Angie, and the girls and I visited in the kitchen until about 10, when Angelique began to show signs of life. We wheeled her out to the porch and gave her a little wine and she “held court” for almost an hour before she became winded and we wheeled her back in and back to a horizontal position.
After being catatonic almost all day, she did really well with Frank & Angie Brauner. I think she sensed real friends and responded accordingly.
She and Bailey are snuggling now. I’m worried about both girls. Bailey has told me that when the time comes, she doesn’t want to be here. Our shrink says that they are both ok. Until I have evidence to dispute, I’ll go with that too.
Frank & Angie will be here tomorrow too. We may cook, or Frank & I may “escape”, depending on what’s going on.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
Yesterday, on her birthday, after she awoke from her afternoon nap, Angelique seemed very fatigued. She seemed that way until her afternoon nap today too. I believe we can have too many caregivers at one time, too much stimulus.
She awoke from her evening “nap”, whatever that is these days, about midnight. She’s kind of aware of what’s going on around her, she just doesn’t have the capacity to interact. I wheeled her out to the porch and let her have a small glass of wine, which she really seemed to enjoy. So far, that was just enough “normal” to put her at ease enough to make her go to sleep.
It’s been routine for her to conk out on the recliner lately. Problem with that is, there’s no good place to go to sleep with her where I can immediately help her get to the potty, or wherever it is she’s headed when she may get up from that particular chair.
Flashback—this morning at about five a.m. she was on the potty. I tossed her panties aside and said, “I guess we’ll have to get Kim to put on a load of wash tomorrow so you’ll have enough panties.”
She wrapped her frail arms around me, gave me the sweetest kiss and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Chris”.
She then took a couple of steps back toward our bed and said, “don’t worry, I’m almost finished”.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
Well the big day finally arrived. After another late night last night, we slept in till about 10 this morning. By that time, a cake, two floral arrangements, one gift basket, and one Catholic Deacon had either been delivered, or had messages left to be delivered. It was crazy around here for the first hour today.
Ed & Monica were headed this way from Huntsville and they and James & Kim arrived just after Angelique awoke and just before all this activity started. Once Deacon John got here (with a birthday card in-hand), and gave all of us Holy Communion, our little birthday party was underway. She seemed to know that today was her birthday and seemed to enjoy being showered with all that attention. She had ice cream, opened presents and laughed a lot. After being up almost two hours, she wanted a bath; we opted for a shower after a bathtub mishap the other day. Then she ate a little “Queen Ranch Chicken”, compliments of my mom, and began to get tired.
We confronted the damned terminal restlessness again. I can tell when she’s tired, but her body just will not let her relax and get some rest. Finally, by about 1:30 pm, she was asleep.
She slept till about 5:30. While she was in the process of awakening, our good friend, the beautiful, charming, witty, thrifty, wise, trustworthy, kind, and thoughtful Brenda Fietsam from down the road (she’s reading this) was here. She got to visit with Brenda for a pretty good while, till she got tired again and then we endeavored to get her restless body to lie down again. By that time, Kim & Becky were here to help. She finally gave in and fell asleep in the easy chair about 8:00.
Angie and Stacy Winchell, November ‘08
“She’s resting now”. Cha-ching! There’s another nickel for me. (Inside joke—check last night’s post).
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
This blog, which has obviously morphed into a constant vehicle for updating Angelique’s condition has exceeded 5000 hits as of tonight! I’m excited. As I’ve told her before, “Honey, you have a lot of fans out there!”
Please keep clicking in here for her updates. Numbers and readership only mean there are a lot of you out there who care about her.
Those church ladies with their “30-member prayer chains” may feel intimidated…oh well :)
As expected, Angelique awoke tonight. Just about 10 pm. We gave her some ice cream and saw to it that she walked around some. Gotta get that exercise, right?
We took her outside to see if we could see some meteorites from that shower that’s supposed to be going on nowadays. No dice. The place where we went outside is the farthest spot from her bed, so when she began to complain and shuffle her feet like she was tired, I pulled her wheelchair out of the car and wheeled her into the house and right up to the bed.
We actually convinced her to move back to Danielle’s room tonight. We spent last night in our master bedroom, but the bed is much higher and I am afraid she’ll topple to the floor while trying to get in and out of it. Her short-term memory is failing and I believe she’s forgotten that we set her up in Dani’s room in the first place.
As I’ve talked about before, she’s experiencing this thing called “terminal restlessness”. It’s her body’s way of trying to fight the sickness. It causes her to try to do anything and everything to avoid lying down an resting. Since her “turn-for-the-worse” last week, this has been difficult to understand and to deal with. It wouldn’t be quite such as hurdle if we had an around-the-clock staff to deal with it, but we don’t. They have meds that are designed just for restlessness, so now she’s on a couple of them. This has been the reason for the 4 am mornings, and the last couple of 3 am nights.
If I had a nickel for every time I typed “she’s resting now”, I’d have a bunch of nickels. One forty-five am and all’s well. Like the song says, “wishin’ & hopin’ & thinkin’ & prayin”.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
I’m sitting here at 8:00 Thursday night trying to think of something brilliant to say.
Oh, well, I guess it ain’t gonna happen tonight.
Where we left off last night was that Angelique did stir after I posted my last entry here. The details were boring, but after having to call the nurses a couple of times for help, I got her to retire for the evening at about 2:30 this morning. She then slept until about 2:30 this afternoon. I had some business in town that caused me to have to leave her in Becky & Danielle’s care till I got back around 5. They said she seemed a little more “with it” than she did yesterday, but by the time I got home, she had gotten fatigued. We helped her to the bathroom a couple of times, got her the meds to help her relax and tucked her back in.
She’s sleeping now. I can hear the steady sound of her breathing in the monitor. I hope she is peaceful tonight. Hospice dropped off another concoction to use if her restlessness plagues her again. This one’s a gel that I will rub into her skin—strange.
Tomorrow is her 48th birthday. I hope she has a good day. It’s funny how we say to one another, usually upon parting, “have a good day”, without really thinking about it. Usually, it’s just an expression. We are at a point when we can really tell it’s a “good day”. I expect more company than usual tomorrow. If you plan on coming by, I hope you find her awake. Just try to keep it to a dull roar!
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
If you’ve ever had a spouse or anybody else who sleepwalks, then you’ve got a pretty good idea of what we’re going through, except that Angelique is not going to awaken from her sleep. She now needs help with all tasks that require motor skills. The clinical restlessness has gotten bad again the evening. We (Danielle & I) tried to get her to watch a movie. She asked for something “Christmassy” and requested I put a pair of Christmas socks on her feet. She sat still for the movie in 5-minute spurts. She was constantly up to make imaginary trips to the store, or rifle her drawers looking for some non-specific item.
Even though she’s sleeping now, I’ve talked to the hospice nurses so that I have a plan in place if she awakens and wants to do something weird, or dangerous to herself. She has taken to gravitating toward fire, knives, glass; almost anything that scares the shit out of me. But if you know Angelique, that’s soooo her!
I was talking to our old friend, Tracy Head today. We laughed together about the time a couple of year ago when we were in Austin for a Texas football game. We had a tailgate party in the garage adjacent to Scholz Beer Garden. Needless to say, Angelique was ready to party like a jackass, and party like a jackass she did.
There was a downspout on the side of Scholz’s wall. We were on the ground floor and there were some other revelers on the second floor of the same garage, right above us. She got it in her head to climb the downspout up to the second floor just to see what they had going on up there. Like Spiderwoman, she latched onto the downspout, and with cowboy boots on, shimmied up the damn thing. Oh, I was pissed. I could just picture us in the emergency room trying to explain why she did such a damn fool thing. Tracy and I decided that anyone sober would have never made it up there. Probably true; anyway that’s our story and we’re sticking to it.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
A few things we know for sure. Today is Tuesday, August 11, 2009; there will never be another one. This morning, the sun rose in the east. It was friggin’ hot all day. There’s a great meteor shower tonight in the northeastern sky.
Beyond that, we don’t know squat.
Today was apparently “movie day” at the asylum. After our usual 4 am start to the day, the 8 am feature was an oldie, but a goodie, “Giant”, starring Rock Hudson, Elizabeth Taylor and James Dean (his final film). Angelique fell back to sleep just after the opening credits, so, learning to rest when she rests, I pulled the covers back over my head and went back to sleep too.
When we awoke somewhere after 10, brother James & wife Kim were here to lend a hand for the day. We got Angie up and bathed and somebody mentioned a movie. She started talking about “Mystic Pizza”, a cute, 20-year-old romance that gave Julia Roberts her start. She has a supporting role, but stole every scene she’s in. Adding to the excitement factor, we visited Mystic, Connecticut last fall, where the film is set. She feasted on Lean Cuisine Pizza and never knew the difference as she watched one of her favorite flicks. Before it was over, she was ready to lie back down…
Meanwhile, seven hours later, she arose from her marathon “nap”. She enjoyed going through her gift basket from Rhonda Hill (old friend) and the church ladies at The Remnant. There were bath items, teas, a mug, and a very special blanket that was prayed over before being placed in the basket. (Ladies, you might want to look into baskets with working handles sometimes.) She is looking forward to enjoying the cookies supplied by Arlene Johnsey (friend from work), if I don’t get ‘em first.
The girls and I helped her get her night bath and tucked her in at about 9:30, hopefully for the night. I don’t know; meteors, almost full moon, holy blankets—all sounds kinda creepy, but we’ll see. Like I said, we really don’t know squat.
In the final (I hope) analysis, this was a pretty good day. She still wants to wear what she wants, go where she wants, and do what she wants, no matter how off-the-wall, but today she seemed to be easier to handle. No real fits of aggravation when we tried to convince her that we weren’t going duck hunting like she wanted to. C’mon, we can only play along so far…but we really don’t know squat, do we?
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
Ahh, the obligatory blog post…just kidding, gentle readers. It’s just that it’s been a tough couple of days. I’d like to wait till there’s better news—some breakthrough treatment, some miracle drug—well, it ain’t happened yet and the clock’s ticking.
Our day started about 4 am. I again awoke without Angelique in the bed. I found her on the back porch, a favorite hangout of hers. I played the question game with her.
“What’s our address?” I asked. She looked bewildered for a few moments.
“925 Hausmann Gin Road”, she answered.
“Who’s the President?” was the next question. This time she slurred her words, but answered more quickly.
“Barack Obama”, she said.
“What are your children’s names?”
“Danielle and Bailey”, she told me.
“What about the other one?”, I baited her.
“There’s another one?”, she wrinkled her nose and inquired.
“No, baby, you did just great. Let’s go back to bed.”
She slept till about 8 and then Nurse Kelly from Hospice paid us a visit. Nurse Kelly played the question game too, asking her what day is was (Angelique thought it was Thursday), then asking what month it is (I gave her a hint, that her birthday is this Friday) she stated that her birthdate is “August 14, 1961”. So there, f*%k you people who think I’m losin’ it; is what I imagined she was thinking.
We gave her the next dose of her “mind-clearing” drug and she slept till about 5 or so. At the suggestion of Nurse Kelly, I offered to take Angelique out for ice cream. She wanted to go very much. About that time, Fred showed up, so we all toddled down to Dairy Queen, wheelchair and all. She enjoyed a strawberry shortcake blizzard (about 1/2 of one, actually), and we headed back home. It was nice to be out. I believe she enjoyed it. We got her home and got her changed, after which she asked for a margarita. I gave her one that she didn’t even take a sip of before she drifted off to sleep in the easy chair.
Even in her current state, I think she enjoyed getting out, having “a drink” and seeming to be “normal” for a short time. The girls, particularly Danielle, are beginning to acknowledge her deteriorating condition and may be moving closer to accepting it. I have no choice. I have been her caregiver all along. All I hope and pray for is her peace and comfort. This morning as the nurse was quizzing her, one question was about her pain level. Her response was that she really didn’t have any pain. That made my day, my week, my month. Please pray with me that it’s true and that it continues.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
This is a brief update, due to the lateness of the hour and the extent of my fatigue:
Last week Angelique began having what is known as restlessness (apparently that’s the clinical term for it, even though it sounds like the social term for it). It’s normal and expected in end-stage cancer patients. That didn’t make it any less scary for this caregiver. It’s the twitchiness and the mind-fog I have mentioned before. It’s also manifested by the patient’s insistence that they have somewhere to be, or something to go out and do.
Last night, or really about 4 am today, it really took hold. We could not get her to lie down. After a couple of harrowing experiences, we finally got her to sleep at about 11 this morning.
I called hospice and the nurse came out at about 2 and got her on another new drug just for restlessness. It knocked her out—way out. I just re-dosed her at about 11:15 pm. I also hooked her up to oxygen, which is supposed to be good for restlessness too.
More tomorrow; I’m beat.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
Danielle and Carmen made it in from Wyoming about 5 pm today. Angelique awoke and stayed up to visit for about an hour, then fell asleep in the chair. Kellye met up with them here and she, Carmen, and I had a couple of drinks, then they all went up to mom & dads. I sent along a bunch of Bobby’s satanic ribs and a bunch of smoked brisket that Fred bought this morning.
I put Angelique to bed about 8 and she’s sleeping soundly.
Nice and boring, just like I like it. Danielle is back from her grandparents, doing some laundry. There’s a party going on at the Post Oak Inn, the August 2009 birthday bash. I can hear the music as I go out and move the sprinkler. It was this night 18 years ago that Angelique and I first got very well acquainted and had a really good time (her birthday is 8/14, next Friday).
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
It looks like this day will be another sleep-all-day for Angelique. She’s only gotten up a couple of times, once to use the bathroom a little bit.
Once again, until she flushes that excess ammonia from her system, she’ll continue to be disoriented.
Carmen flew to Wyoming and she and Danielle are driving back. I have been following their progress on Facebook. They should be here in a few minutes. I’ll wake Angelique when they get here and try to get her to eat some soup. She did not eat anything yesterday.
That’s all for now. I’ll post another update as events warrant.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
As active as Angelique was yesterday, she is sleeping today. She did ok overnight; woke up once about 3:00. Then I got her up at 7 for her morning meds, and then again here at 3:00 pm for her afternoon dose. She’s been pretty much asleep other than that.
Happy memories of being “foodies” in New England, October ‘08
Still very little result from the laxative, so she’s still incoherent. To me, that is sad, and a little scary. We have to wait until there’s some action from the laxative. Hopefully that will clear her mind. If she starts going to the bathroom again and her incoherence continues beyond that, then we’ve lost the Angelique we knew and loved. They say maybe by tomorrow we’ll get her going to the bathroom.
They’ve decided to take a “wait and see” approach with regard to her catheter. She is still able to pee, so they don’t want to rough her up any more than is absolutely necessary.
That is about all for now. Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
Typically, I would say 7:30 pm is too early to post here. Usually our situation changes two or three times before bedtime, but Angelique is kind of in a half-sleep and Fred ran out to the store, so I have a little p & q.
Last night was ok. She slept pretty well; no scary episodes to deal with=a good thing.
However, today was a little strange. She hardly slept at all. Seemed restless, still incoherent, still no action from the laxative from yesterday…and then there’s a lag time until the methadone they have her on again will kick in. They say three or four days, during which we can expect pain that we’re trying to deal with using all the other arrows in the quiver.
As I said at the top of this post, it’s still too early to make a judgment about the night.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
As Angelique’s caregiver, I am told I need an outlet. So far, this is it. No matter how tired I am, I try to post an entry here. Forgive my fatigue…here goes.
When last we met we were cruising in “wait and see”mode. Fred, Russell and Timmy made their scheduled visit yesterday. James & Kim joined the congregation, as expected.
Something seemed strange about Angelique Wednesday. She slept restlessly, with pronounced hand and leg movements and lots of talking. We attributed it to the increase in visitor traffic. Also, our research about patients in her position revealed behavior similar to what we were seeing in her.
She seemed at times, lucid, and then at other times, confused.
Sometime during the wee hours this morning, she awoke and, using scissors, severed all her wires and hoses. She cut her IV line, her catheter line, and the belt holding the catheter in place.
To my horror, I awoke to her walking down the hallway, fully dressed, saying, “I’m outta here, there not doing this to me”.
I immediately confirmed that she had not cut herself, then put her back into bed and gave her two adivan, “chill pills”, to calm her down. I then called the hospice answering service, which connected me to the the nurse on duty, who was in Columbus at the time.
She traveled to our home and sat with me while the doctor could be contacted and summoned. He came over in the later morning, the first time I’ve ever seen a “doctor visit”, and told us what her problem was. Turns out her liver has decided to stop processing ammonia. I didn’t even know we had ammonia in our systems. The excess ammonia causes the twitchiness she exhibited on Wednesday, as well as the disorientation that caused her episode this morning.
The cure for it is a laxative which binds itself to the ammonia, and rids the system of the ammonia. It seems to be working. She is sleeping quietly and without the agitated motions that she exhibited yesterday and last night.
Meanwhile, the other question of interest was whether she removed her catheter, or simply snipped off the hose. To determine this, the doctors scheduled an ultrasound earlier today. The superbly excellent, and ultra-professional (she’s reading this) ultrasound technician determined that the catheter is still in her bladder, making it necessary to have it removed (probably surgically) and having another one put in.
This was a difficult post. I am fatigued. I may have repeated myself, or left out pertinent details. I’ll read it again tomorrow, and may make revisions.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
After yesterday morning’s post, the nurse came and bumped up the dose again. Angelique slept most of the day and evening. Last night went pretty well, but she’s beginning to be sore in certain areas from lying in the same position all the time. After she got up a couple of times, she moved the the sofa about 5 am.
She again slept most of the day today. She awoke about 4 pm with some noticeable discomfort. It was just short of “pain”, but nagging enough to cause her to cozy up to her pain button.
I placed a call to hospice about 8 o’clock and they gave me some suggestions over the phone. She’s resting pretty peacefully now, at 9:45, so we’ll just have to “wait and see” until probably 2:00 or 3:00 to determine whether or not anything further needs to be changed.
I see a nap in my future! I’ll have to find a “snooze crib” though, cause brothers Fred and Russell are due to arrive tomorrow for a visit and a free house-cleaning. I’ll be damned if I’ll get in the way of that kind of service!
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
I didn’t post the last two days. Friday’s reason was fatigue. Thursday evening was humdrum. My Thursday post was almost boring. About two hours after I submitted it is when the feces hit the fan. That’s all I have to say about that. If you’d like a personal update, email me.
Yesterday was better. Angelique’s pain has leveled at about a five, on the 0-10 pain scale. I can’t remember her being below five. We got a visit from brother Fred and wife, Becky. Then in the evening, sister Carmen stopped by. We shared a few laughs, a few scotches and some beef stew. It was a long-overdue visit from her.
I almost sat down and wrote a post, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to say it was all good, just to have to reverse course when we hit another wall.
Well, that was then; this is now. It’s 8:15 Sunday morning. Angelique awoke earlier with really bad pain. Of course, she waited a couple of hours before waking me. I just heard back from our trusty hospice nurse. She’s coming out to bump up the dose. When she last bumped it up on Friday, I sort of expected us to have to call on her today. It seems to be only a couple of days of success in this battle with the pain. I know Angelique is weary, and tired, and sleepy, and fatigued, and sick of this endless cycle. This bottomless pit. This passion play.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
Ok, ok so Angelique’s declaration yesterday of “no pain” was drug-induced and a little exaggerated, so I guess I need to hereby retract my blog post of yesterday. However, her pain seems to be “managed” at this point. She mostly slept through the night, which is new and welcome, and when the Hospice nurse called this morning and offered to come over and increase her drip, Angelique waved her off. Her pain was at a “tolerable” level-5 and she wanted to see how she’d fare through the day.
At about 4 this afternoon the nurse called again and this time Angelique requested the increase in dose. After the nurse’s visit we got her (Angelique—not the nurse) bathed and as of 7 pm, she’s sleeping ahead of her dinner of my mom’s homemade chicken noodle soup. As I write this, I’ve got the baby monitor speaker here on my desk so that I will hear her when she stirs.
Meanwhile, I’m seeing dark, heavy clouds in a couple of directions and it appears that some locales are receiving the rain that they so badly need; but not this locale. It’s so dry here you could lose a golf ball in the cracks in the soil. The dry conditions only amplify the heat. A good shower would not only nourish the earth, but I’m sure it would put everybody, Angelique included, in a better frame of mind.
The nurse has given us a “heads-up” that the IV bag will run out of medicine sometime in the wee hours. We are to call her, at which time she’ll come out and change out the medicine bag, so we’ve got that to look forward to. Oh, boy!
Let’s just hope that waking up in the middle of the night and changing out her medicine bag is the worst that happens until tomorrow.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
A great big “thank you” goes out to all of you who have inquired, posted comments, emailed, or offered us food!
Instead of more food, something that Angelique and I would like for you to do for us is to make a donation to Hospice Brazos Valley. They have been wonderful. Until now I really had no idea what a “hospice” was. What I had pictured in my imagination was a woman in scrubs coming by the house and taking someone pulse. Yes, they do visit regularly and record vital signs, but they are so much more than that. From the minute we signed on they were like family. And they have a great operation too. Whether we have a crisis at 3 o’clock in the morning, or need help with the body-donor program, the women of Hospice Brazos Valley are there to help.
In addition to a round-the-clock nursing staff, they have social workers, counselors, sitters, even a guy who comes around every so often and brings flowers. They furnish (and deliver) all the medical equipment we have needed. Oh yeah, and all the necessary pain medication. And, believe me, there have been plenty of pain meds. All at no cost to the patient. So instead of helping me hang on to this “girlish figure”, let’s help them out instead.
To help them out, click on the link above to go to their website, or drop a tax-deductable donation in the mail to:
Hospice Brazos Valley
1048 N. Jefferson
La Grange, TX 78945
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editor’s note: I have heard that some of you watch this space for updates on Angelique’s condition. I’ll be posting one of those early this evening.
A little background: on Monday, we got Angelique hooked up to an IV here at the house. They’re using dilaudid for pain medication. The initial dose was too small. Monday night was pretty bad.
On to yesterday—the nurse came over and adjusted the pump to a higher dose (she has a constant flow of meds and button she can press for an “instant” boost). Tuesday night was better, but she still awoke a couple of times in pain.
Then this morning, they came out again and upped the dose again. Mark & Tammy (her brother & sister-in-law) left this morning, and Ed & Monica (her parents) arrived. She has been able to move about the house and visit with her guests today. She’s high as a kite, but for the first time in a couple of months, she says she has NO PAIN!!!!
Again, thanks to Laurie Quitta for putting the idea of an IV into my head. This just may be what Angelique has been needing to get her pain under control. We’ll see how she does tonight.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
Last evening was really nice. I thought we might be over the hump on this pain management thing. I thought hooking Angelique up to a medicine pump was brilliance itself. Well…
She awoke about 2 am in horrible pain. It seems that while she was awake, she utilized the pain button every 15 minutes, just like the nurse instructed her to do. But when she went to sleep, obviously she was no longer using the pain button. Well, the pain more than caught up with the constant dose she was being given.
I stayed up for the next two hours hitting the pain button every 15 minutes for her while she slept. I guess I finally succumbed to slumber about 4:00 am. Then she awoke again at 6, hurting again.
The hospice nurse came this morning and reprogrammed the pump to deliver a bigger constant dose, and a bigger “on demand” dose too. After a while, the new dose started to take hold and Angelique went back to sleep.
The afternoon started out better. She was able to move around, with mid-level pain, and visit with brothers Mark & James and Tammy & Kim. This time, she wasn't hitting the pain button every 15 minutes like she was last night. She did use it, but not as often.
She's asleep now, at about 6:00 pm, and seems to be resting pretty peacefully. The real story will be after she retires for the evening. We have to see how she reacts after she has not accessed the pain button for several hours.
I guess we'll know more tomorrow morning.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
After a conversation with a nurse friend of ours yesterday about various pain-management methods, I called hospice this morning to inquire about an IV drip. Turns out they have a pump about the size of a big calculator that can be used for such a purpose. Angelique decided that is the way she wants to go, so the staff at hospice hopped to it and put something together for her today.
They came over about four this afternoon and hooked the thing up through the port that she’s had installed in her chest for about the last year and a half. They decided to use a pain med called “dilauded”. It’s supposed to be extremely stronger than morphine. She has a constant delivery, as well as an “on demand” button that she can hit every 15 minutes to deliver an extra hit when it is needed.
It’s about 8:30 pm now, and she says she’s very comfortable. She’s been awake a good part of the day, she took a bath and ate dinner earlier. She must carry this pump around with her (it fits in a bag about the size of a medium-sized purse). It operates on batteries, or a/c plug.
I guess we’ll see over the next day or so if this is finally the right protocol to control her pain.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
Sunday afternoon here at the ranch. Shortly after my last post, yesterday, Angelique awoke, still in pain. I “pushed” all her breakthrough pain meds through the evening and night. We had to get up only once overnight and she slept till about 6:30 this morning. About that time she began having chest pains again. I reassured her that she was not having a heart attack, gave her her morning dose and got her back to sleep. As Bailey kept vigil, I attended mass. My last turn to usher till November.
About noon I gave the Hospice nurse a summary of our use of the breakthrough meds since noon yesterday. She consulted with the doctor and he directed us to increase her methadone by 50%. The thought being that that amount will keep her from having to take so much morphine in between.
Brother Mark and Tammy are on their way here from Gilmer. They’ll be here a few days to help us out around the house. Not much to do outside in this heat. I’m not sure where the lawnmower is…haven’t had to use it in so long.
Good friend, communion minister, and nurse, Laurie Quitta came by and gave Angelique holy communion and visited with us about the medical stuff. It’s good to have a friend you can trust to give you the inside story on all this pain medication. Angelique’s dresser looks like we robbed a pharmacy.
We’ll see in the next 24 hours whether the increase in her methadone takes hold.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
As posted earlier, they changed Angelique’s main pain medication from morphine to methadone on Wednesday. She slept most of the day yesterday. They told us that it would take several days for the methadone to work its way into her system.
She awoke in the middle of the night last night with pains in her chest and shortness of breath. We both thought at first that she was having a heart attack. I immediately called Hospice and learned “on-the-fly” how to get her oxygen machine hooked up. I gave her a shot of her liquid morphine (usually for breakthrough pain, but good for anxiety too). After a few terrifying minutes, she settled down. After about 15 minutes, she was back asleep and slept through the rest of the night ok. The medics really don’t know what happened. I believe now that she was having a bad anxiety attack. Her Hospice nurse says she thinks so too.
She then slept most of the day again today. She did wake long enough to eat a little and take a bath. It’s about 5:30 pm now and she’s sleeping again. We’ll get her up again in a couple of hours for more numbing gel, then again at 11:00 for her overnight meds. We’ll just wait and see how the night goes.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
Today the staff at Hospice Brazos Valley had their regular meeting. Angelique was the subject of at least part of it. The doctor decided to change her main pain medication, and a couple of the other ones too.
Right now (9:30 Wednesday night) she’s sleeping soundly. We’ll get her up at 11:00 for her overnight dose. She seems to be resting well.
Monsignor Petru and Deacon John of Holy Rosary Catholic Church came over this morning and gave her the Sacrament of the Sick. The four of us held mass right here in the living room. I assure you that the irony of that right there was not lost on me ;) They say the Sacrament of the Sick has healing powers. Let’s hope so. So far, so good…We know deep-down that it probably won’t cure her (you never know), but at least it could give her a respite from the pain.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
Happier times last spring.
The extreme pain is back. My last cancer update, posted a week ago painted a rosy picture. The hospice medical staff had arrived at a point where Angelique’s pain seemed to be managed, but it only lasted a couple of days. Her pain seems to outpace whatever medicines seem to have it under control.
She had a follow-up appointment with her oncologist in Austin this morning. We made it about a mile down the road when she exclaimed, “I can’t do this”, so we immediately doubled back and returned home. We managed to get her back into the house and into bed, where she spent most of the rest of the day in relative agony. As those of you who have visited her know, she has moved into Danielle’s room, where the bed is lower to the ground and the trip to the toilet is shorter.
It’s after 10 pm now. She’s in bed awaiting her 11:00 dose of meds. The pain usually seems to be worse at night, which is both mystifying and frustrating in and of itself.
She’s a strong woman, but she is weakening. I feel the need to check in on her by the hour, but I must get my sleep too. This is hell, and it’s getting harder.
Our priest is supposed to stop by tomorrow to offer her some spiritual encouragement, if she feels up to it. If you seek your help in the Lord, please ask for help for her too.
I have had many of you comment on this blog. Thanks for that. If you would like a direct response, or if you would like a more personal update, click on my profile. There you will find a link to my email address. I will be glad to respond to your personal messages, as time and energy allow.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
Well we now have brother Fred’s sleek, stylish travel trailer parked in the yard. I know you’ve all been feverishly awaiting its arrival. Its arrival now means that if you want to come and visit Angelique and are planning to stay here, you will now have your “own space”. By “own space”, I mean you no longer have to stay in my house and possibly put somebody out of their bedroom, or otherwise disrupt the routine, such as it is, within.
It sleeps about seven, I guess. I haven’t figured out yet if the dining room table/seats make into a bed or not. I don’t even know if Fred knows. I think he’s used it for camping once since he bought it.
As you can see, it has one of those slide-out thingies that really gives it a lot of room inside. The shower’s way too small for me, so I probably won’t be doing much camping in it; and If I do, I probably won’t be doing much showering in it.
It has about a 13-inch TV with a VHS and a DVD player, so bring your own movies and enjoy!
Anyway, thanks to Fred for letting us use it for our “guest quarters” for a while.
Dana Cooper and Bugle Boy owner, Lane Gosnay
Last Saturday I decided to attend the Bugle Boy’s Songwriting Workshop, conduced by renowned songwriter/performer Dana Cooper. I have never attended any kind of songwriting classes, or anything else like this, so I didn’t know what to expect. As you know from following this blog, my writing style is more journalistic than expressive. We learned exercises that I can utilize in order to stimulate the “other side” of my brain.
There were only eight of us in the workshop. There was myself, a local pastor, and a local attorney. Others in attendance included a couple of folks who drove here from Houston. Cooper himself resides in Nashville. In addition to the workshop on Saturday afternoon, he was the featured performer there on Saturday night, and he was one of the judges for the venue’s monthly contest, “Sunday Showcase”, on Sunday afternoon.
For those unfamiliar with Bugle Boy, it is a “listening room”. As the term implies, people go there to listen. The sign out front, “Loose lips sink ships”, is a reminder that talking during the songs is not to be tolerated. It is a place where the artists don’t have to compete with a TV blaring a ballgame, a pool table, a bunch of loudmouth patrons, etc. Here they can just sing.
It remains to be seen whether I’ll ever be able to write a song—it’s harder than it looks, but it was an interesting way to spend a hot Saturday afternoon in a nice, cool, cool place.
This recipe is from a fishing website. I’m not sure who came up with it, but I like it, so here it is. Once again, quick and easy.
Cheese It Baked Fish
Ingredients:
Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
Place crackers in a gallon-size ziplock bag and pulverize into a “meal”. Add seasoning (if applicable) and parmesan cheese. Roll each fillet in olive oil to moisten and place two or three at a time into the bag with the meal mixture. Shake until evenly coated.
Line a shallow baking pan or cookie sheet with foil. Spray with cooking spray. Lay the fillets on the foil. Bake 25 minutes, or until fish flakes. Enjoy! Serves about four.
This recipe is quick and easy. I made it last night with some boiled shrimp I already had in the fridge. I used HEB-brand Mango Pico de Gallo. Next time, I’ll start with raw shrimp, so if you go that way too, follow the following directions:
Mango Shrimp Pasta
Ingredients:
In a large Dutch oven, place bouillon cubes in water. Bring to a boil. When bouillon cubes are dissolved, drop in pasta.
In a large skillet, or wok, heat olive oil over medium heat. At the first hint of steam, add shrimp, seasonings, capers and pico. Sauté until shrimp are bright orange and the onions in the pico are translucent. Remove from heat and set aside.
When pasta floats, either taste a piece, or use grandma’s method and throw it up against the wall—if it sticks, it’s done. When done, drain in a colander.
Dole out pasta either in large soup bowls, or plates. Pour sautéed shrimp mixture over pasta. Sprinkle on parmesan cheese. Enjoy! Serves about four.
We are trying to settle into some kind of a routine since Angelique’s return home from the hospital. The “foley” bag has taken some getting used to, but it’s bringing her some relief from the pain of going to the bathroom.
Hospice Brazos Valley is now handling her pain management. They are wonderful. On Sunday, she was running dangerously low on her liquid morphine. That’s the one she really needs when the pain breaks through. I called hospice and, even on a holiday-weekend Sunday, they rounded up the doctor and got the medicine out to our house within a couple of hours. I was very impressed.
Hopefully we’ll get in the groove and then she’ll follow up with a couple of the doctors who treated her in the hospital last week.
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned…
After two months of posting mostly fluff, this is my most difficult post to date. This is for those of you who click in to get updates on Angelique.
As you may know, this Friday is the third anniversary of her diagnosis of cervical cancer. After three years of radiation, chemo, radical hysterectomy, more radiation, then more chemo, then chemo again (and more pills than China has rice), she is not going to have chemo anymore. Yesterday morning her oncologist and she decided that the Taxol, the second tier of drugs in her cancer battle, is not affecting the tumor(s).
She was admitted to Seton Medical Center yesterday about noon. The initial objective was to get her pain under control and get a catheter into her bladder. During her week-long trip to the coast, she began to experience swelling in her feet, ankles, and face. She asked aloud last Tuesday, in Port O’Connor, “do you think I should call the doctor?” Of course, the unanimous answer was the question, “will you leave here to go see the doctor?” As you might expect, she did not make any call to any doctor.
Turns out, her doctor thinks the swelling is a symptom of her not being able to empty her bladder due to the location and the growing size of the tumor. As of yesterday, her kidney counts were up, she was in intolerable pain, and the doctor put her in the hospital to get a catheter in her and relieve her immediate misery.
Well, after two unsuccessful attempts by the nurses, the urologist finally inserted a catheter into her bladder. She immediately released about one liter of fluid. In doing so, her bladder went into spasms, from being so full to being so drained so suddenly. Needless to say, this caused excruciating pain on top of the pain she already had. A helluva deal for being in the hospital for “pain management” to begin with.
After enough morphine to choke an elephant, she fell asleep to fight another day…
That day was today. It began with a visit from her oncologist. The oncologist’s assessment wasn’t exactly positive. Hospice was put back on the table, as were terms like “go home and get your affairs in order”. But Angelique finally began to show signs of feeling better. She bitched about the food. She bitched about all the goddamn noise those machines in her room were making. She bitched about how long it took the staff to respond to her touches of the nurse-call button. Bitching=feeling better!
And then……………………….and then………………….and then……………….SHE HAD A BOWEL MOVEMENT!!!!!!!!!!! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for caring. Stay tuned.
We had a great time in Port O’Connor last week. I had to return on Thursday, but Angelique got to stay on there with her parents and a couple of her brothers and their families. They all returned home today.
She is having a hard time with the pain today, after making the two and a half hour trip back from the coast. Her next round of chemotherapy is coming up on Tuesday at South Austin Cancer Center. Blood work must be done on the day prior to the chemo, so we’ll be going to Austin tomorrow afternoon for that, then spending the night. Bailey has decided she wants to go with us this time, so it will be kind of a “family trip”.
Tuesday morning, before her infusion, we’ll meet with her oncologist and discuss some swelling in her feet and ankles. It came on while we were at the coast. No pain, just swelling and a “tight” feeling where the skin is stretched.
I will try to post from Austin with any further updates…
With barbecue season in full swing, here’s a sure-to-please side dish for your next back yard get together. This is an old, handed-down German recipe. There’s a secret step for folks who say they don’t like onion in their potato salad. They’ll never know that this salad has onion in it, and what they don’t know won’t hurt them!
I got it from my mom, Molly, who got it from old friend, the late Melvin Menking. This will serve six.
Ingredients:
Thoroughly wash potatoes.
In a large stock pot, cover potatoes & eggs with cool water. Drop in a couple of chicken bouillon cubes. Boil potatoes (skin-on) and eggs until potatoes are done. Poke with a fork; if the potato is soft to the center, it’s done (by this time, the eggs are done too). Drain and set aside.
Sauté chopped onion in the bacon grease until translucent. Set aside.
When the potatoes are cool enough to handle, peel them. Do likewise with the eggs. Dice the potatoes in a large mixing bowl. Chop up the eggs and combine with all other ingredients in bowl.
This dish is always better the second day, after the flavors meld; I like to make it the day before I want to serve it, cover it and place in the refrigerator overnight and serve cold on day two, three, and beyond.
This recipe takes about three hours to prepare. It requires a great deal of attention—save it for a day when you can spend the necessary time to do it right, and it will be worth it.
What you’ll need outside:
I use a barrel-type smoker. It has an access door on one end, and a chimney on the other end. A thermometer is really handy, though not mandatory.
I use charcoal briquettes and store-bought mesquite chips. I light the charcoal with liquid charcoal lighter, but you can use a chimney type, or electric, or just whatever.
There are a lot of trips to the pit required, so, especially in the spring, I use Deep Woods Off to repel fleas, chiggers, and whatever else seems to savor my ankles.
First, position your pit with the access door facing in the direction of the wind, if any. This will allow the pit to vent properly.
Next, make a pyramid-shaped pile of charcoal on the access door side of the pit. It should be just a bit bigger than a dinner plate at its base. You don’t want too big a fire. Your mantra is “low & slow”.
(the glove is for size reference)
Half fill a bucket with water. Pour in about a pound of mesquite chips and let them soak.
Then douse the pile of briquettes with starter fluid. Cover it evenly for about 20 seconds. Let it soak in for ten minutes.
What you’ll need inside:
While you wait ten minutes for the coals to soak, prepare your mop sauce. It consists of one bottle of bock beer( I use either Shiner or Ziegenbock), one stick butter, ¾ cup vinegar, 2 tbsp granulated garlic powder, and 1 tbsp of granulated onion powder. Combine all in a 3-quart saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil, reduce to simmer.
Now, ignite your soaked coals with a long match, or a long lighter. It helps to prop open the access door while the coals initiate their burn. Leave the lid open for this step.
While the coals start to burn, butterfly your chicken. Usually they put the heart, liver, gizzards, and whatever in the bird’s cavity. I discard; but you could put it in your mop sauce. To butterfly, cut the bird along the breast bone and spread it from side to side.
Rub with Tony Chachere’s all-purpose Cajun seasoning. I like to wear latex exam gloves for this step. Pour the Tony’s into a bowl so that you’re not touching the package with chickeny hands. Rub it all around the bird. Don’t be afraid to put it on thick, as some will be washed off by the mop sauce.
When coals have white around the edges, they’re ready to cook.
Place the chicken on the grill away from the fire (on mine that’s to the right, under the chimney).
Grab a handful of soaked mesquite chips and, through the access door, place them atop the hot coals. Be careful not to touch the coals!
After 10-15 minutes, mop on a little sauce, just to keep the skin moist. I use a small aluminum baking pan to hold the mop sauce. Just leave it right there on the pit alongside the chicken. That way, you don’t ruin a saucepan.
Mop every 30 minutes. Watch your thermometer. If it drifts below about 250, add some briquettes. Two hundred fifty to 300 is where I like mine. Whenever you want more smoke, throw on another handful of mesquite chips.
After two hours of smoking, twist a drumstick away from the body. If it easily pops out, the bird’s done. If not, let it keep smokin’. Remember, “low & slow”…
As soon as that leg bone pops out, remove from the pit, carve as usual and enjoy!!!
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